The Googler

June 23rd, 2008 at 8:18 am . Posted in guest post .

Dear Google,

It has been a while since I last plead my case. First I came up with a list of reasons why you should hire me. After that was ignored I came up with a list of possible positions I’d be willing to create if hired. I still haven’t heard back from you though. At first I thought it was me. I spent days reflecting on and rereading my posts.

Maybe it’s me? Is it my ears? Perhaps my amazing sunburnning skills?

I know what it is…it’s my Wii bowling skills. Well if it makes you feel any better, I’m not a pro anymore. I’ve stepped down from that pedestal pretty quickly and moved onto greener grasses.

Okay fine. I used yahoo alright. But it was just one time! It meant nothing to me! I was just trying to….you’re so pretty baby, I’m sorry. Come back okay?

But then I realized no, it wasn’t me. I’m much too awesome. So naturally I blamed the Internet. Something is preventing you there at Google HQ from reading my blog. I realize this happens from time to time. Apparently it’s affecting Comcast, too. When the lovely Jamie asked if I’d round up her week of guest blogs (No pressure there!), enthusiastically I replied with a “Super Fuck Yeah!” (Sorry Mom, but this isn’t my blog and I’m allowed to swear now.) Thinking that Google should definitely be able to read this, I decided to make a second third attempt.

I’ve decided that you need a spokesperson, er a mascot. I am volunteering to be that mascot. Just call me…The Googler. Normal chick with two cats by day, The Googler by night! Jen Lancaster has hopped on board. You better get on before you miss the train to Awesomeville. Did I mention there will be a cape?

So what would The Googler do for you? Let’s say you’re having a party and your little geeky baby doesn’t want a stupid clown. Call on The Googler. Balloon animals? No problem. Unless they pop. Then we have a serious problem because I will be out of there faster than a fat kid in spandex.

I’m also willing to move around the office very stealth like and use my skills to help people Google things. Let’s say someone is, god forbid, using Yahoo. I know…I almost cried, too. Well I’d sneak attack them and change their search engine back to Google before they even know it. Microsoft wants to pay people? That’s no match for my skills! By the end of my tenure people will be like, “What’s Yahoo/Microsoft?” And I’ll shake my head as I say, “Exactly.”

Consider the extra money we could bring in with the appearances. I could become an ordained minister and wed people as The Googler. There could be Googler action figures, mugs, even holiday calendars (Tastefully wrapped in my Googler cape of course). I’m pretty sure this is the direction you need to be going Google.

I’ll sit back and wait for the offers to come pouring in. And don’t think you fooled me by contacting me for a massage therapy job. You know I don’t have enough experience yet and that was a very cruel email! (Send it again in two years and we’ll talk!)

Sincerely,

Jenn a.k.a. The Googler

23 Comments ( Reply )

  1. deutlich
    Jun 23, 2008 @ 8:40 am

    I might call you that from now on in.

    The Googler.

    The Googler, aka Jenn.

    Hm.

    Yes!

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  2. ashley
    Jun 23, 2008 @ 8:51 am

    Ha. You’re great..seriously.

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  3. Chris
    Jun 23, 2008 @ 9:04 am

    I totally cried when you said someone uses Yahoo.

    I can’t believe you somehow stopped yourself. Don’t you care about them???

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  4. Beth
    Jun 23, 2008 @ 9:09 am

    I cannot survive without Google.

    It is my one stop for everything.

    E-V-E-R-Y-T-H-I-N-G.

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  5. e.
    Jun 23, 2008 @ 9:14 am

    I was wondering what “the googler” referred to. I hope the letters start pouring in! :)

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  6. Penelope23
    Jun 23, 2008 @ 9:20 am

    Who still uses Yahoo! to look up things? No one. That’s who.

    Thanks Googler!

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  7. Matt
    Jun 23, 2008 @ 9:41 am

    Love the cape. Seriously…

    they are stupid if they dont hire you.

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  8. The Modern Gal
    Jun 23, 2008 @ 11:16 am

    I think you need a separate blog devoted to being the Googler. Maybe that would get their attention. I think persistance is key.

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  9. Vanessa
    Jun 23, 2008 @ 11:33 am

    They should really pay attention now! Google? Hello? Hire her! She’s awesome!

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  10. alexa
    Jun 23, 2008 @ 11:40 am

    ok we have got to get you a job at google!!! have you thought about creating a website titled “googlehireme.com”

    i wonder if that would get their attention?!?!

    or a googlersuperhero.com blog

    doit doit doit

    also jenn, what a great wrap up guest post obvy saving the best for last : )

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  11. katelin
    Jun 23, 2008 @ 11:43 am

    dear google,

    hire jenn.

    that is all.

    love,

    katelin :)

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  12. Allie
    Jun 23, 2008 @ 11:50 am

    Love love love the cape!

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  13. e.p.
    Jun 23, 2008 @ 12:32 pm

    Google is one of the best things ever, and it makes me day that you ARE The Googler, whether or not they accept you. (:

    Also, your cape is amazing!

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  14. Maxie
    Jun 23, 2008 @ 1:11 pm

    we need the googler big time @ my office. The lady asked me the other day what it meant to google something and how she would go about getting there. yes.

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  15. Benjamin Baxter
    Jun 23, 2008 @ 1:47 pm

    I’d bet that if you started your own blog as The Googler, and if you were successful in promoting it and making it grow, within a couple of years you’d get hired. There pretty fair odds for this kind of thing.

    http://awaitingtenure.wordpress.com/

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  16. Alice
    Jun 23, 2008 @ 2:50 pm

    can i be your sidekick? i want a cape too!!

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  17. JK
    Jun 23, 2008 @ 4:20 pm

    This is a great cover letter!

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  18. robin
    Jun 23, 2008 @ 4:50 pm

    oh my google!

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  19. nico
    Jun 23, 2008 @ 5:09 pm

    you know, i followed Jenn here to read about the Googler and it was as awesome as i expected, but it reminded me of how i keep forgetting to pick up the feed for this site, Oh, How Lovely.

    so i’ve subscribed and plan on remaining loyal.

    and now who’s responsible for your new fan? that’s right: the Googler.

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  20. Jenn's Mom
    Jun 23, 2008 @ 5:32 pm

    Don’t worry about the swearing, those “bad” words show up as #&$@ on my computer.

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